Want to know the 5 wackiest classifieds of this year? Yes? Then read the following classifieds that will blow your mind over!
It has been a surprising, convoluted and a rather colourful 2016. A busy year, with money to deposit and not much to withdraw, tackling Brexit, and sexists. There were horrific bombings, perplexing bans, surgical strikes, patriotic parrots, a lot of standing up and a lot more of falling upside down.
In all this chaos, I don’t blame you if you missed some of these special classified advertisements and we are sure you will each one of them.
Experienced Protester BA Pass Seeks Job:
Rate card — Rs 200 for marching, Rs 500 for stone pelting, Rs 1,000 for burning effigies.
Job experience: 2 years with MNS, 6 months with BJP, 9 months with Congress and 3 months with Shiv Sena. Notable achievements: Threw stones at Rishi Kapoor’s house, broke cinema hall window in Kandivali and marched outside Aamir Khan’s building to stop his wife from leaving the country. Prefers working in Mumbai suburbs. Contact 98211267876
Santa For Hire:
Chubby cheeks, thick white beard, fine stomach and even finer chest at 56 inches to fill out the suit nicely. Very agile as demonstrated on National Yoga Day on television channels across India, so sliding down chimneys is not a problem. Loves to travel — no reindeers but can throw in some cows. All payments through Paytm only. E: Mitron@DesiSanta.com
Opportunity At A News Channel:
Six dumb people wanted for panel discussions. Must sit still while anchor rants and raves. Participants should be able to time closing their mouths before a word can escape out or a mosquito fly in just as anchor shrieks, ‘The nation wants to know.’ Job hazards include deafness, mental disabilities and high blood pressure. Need to report to work on the 26th of January, Republic Day. E: Cutouts@LoudestPatriot.com
Bride Wanted for Handsome Bachelor:
An incredible mind that has led him to spouting insightful mathematical equations at large public gatherings. Notable statements include, ‘10 out of 7 youths in Punjab are on drugs’, ‘India is bigger than Europe and the United States put together’ and ‘Dalit community needs the escape velocity of Jupiter’. Bride must be highly educated with advanced degrees in mathematics, physics, geography and political science. She should also be willing to jab her elbow discreetly into the handsome, dimpled groom’s ribs happily ever after. E: Bachelor@MammaMia.com
Bharat Tours and Travel Agency Now Has A Special New Year Offer:
One-way tickets to Korea and Pakistan. Apply now to get Early Bird Discount for all unpatriotic friends, relatives and neighbours! Ph: 97311469431